Sometimes I imagine what it would feel like to drown. I don’t want to but I can’t help it. I close my eyes and the darkness behind my eyelids becomes the inky blackness of the ocean. The immeasurable depth, the freezing water surrounds me and no escape is possible. There is a finite amount of time that I can hold the little breath I have before panic opens my mouth to scream, to let in the black water. The struggle to survive makes swim me upward, but I’m not sure which way is up. Creatures that have never known light wrap slimy tentacles around my ankles. I will wish to hug my grandma and tell her You didn’t go first and I regret not having jumped off the bridge into the creek and not letting my crush know that he makes me feel like gold and not telling that rude person at the grocery store the most perfect comeback ever. I imagine how my parents will feel to find out that somehow their daughter drowned at sea and her body was not recovered. I want to hug them too. I want to have been brave enough to give free hugs. I wrap my arms around myself and let out the last of my breath.